"For if you forgive people their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their trespasses [their reckless and willful sins, leaving them, letting them go, and giving up resentment], neither will your Father forgive you your trespasses."  Matthew 6: 14-15 (TAB)

I got the word today that she had died.  I had only met her once but even in that short of a time there was a bond, an understanding in the spirit.  She wasn't even my patient but the other chaplain was out of town so I was asked to go.  "She's afraid of dying," the Social Worker said.  "No one really knows what's bothering her but she is afraid.  I think she'd benefit from a chaplain visit."  Of course I went. 

I was greeted by her daughter who looked tired from the stress of sharing the care-giving duties with her step-father.  She stayed with the patient during the day while her step-father slept and he would take over at night.  Other family members came in and out but most of the care (giving meds, turning, changing diapers, getting glasses of water, the list can be endless) was divided between the two of them.  As she lead me to the couch, I glanced at the patient who was asleep in her medical bed in the middle of the once spacious living room.  We talked quietly together as she reaffirmed what the SW had told me.  "I'm not sure what the issue is," she sighed.  "We've done everything we can to make her comfortable and she chose to discontinue treatment.  Maybe she is worried about leaving my step-father on his own?"  As we talked back and forth, speculating on the patients fear, the patient began to rouse from her sleep.

"Mom, the chaplain is here to visit you.  Is that okay?"

The patient groggily nods and I move to the bedside getting a chair as I go.  The daughter mummers that she has something to do and disappears into another part of the house.  Introducing myself I let the patient tell me who she is, what is important to her, letting her paint the picture that will become her.  She is active in her church, loves to travel, was married before but it was a disaster.  Her current husband is everything her first one never was.  She keeps going back to the past, to her first marriage.  Finally I say, "I have heard that you are afraid to die.  Is that true?"

"Well, I'm a little nervous about it.  I'm not sure why.  I don't want to leave my family but I know they'll be okay."

"You keep mentioning your first marriage.  Let me ask, have you forgiven your first husband for all that happened between you?"

"I know whenever I think of him and that time of our lives, I get angry all over again," she says, relating yet another horror story of their relationship.

"Do you think that God, in His great love for you, brought you your current husband to show you that He loves you and wants to give you His best?  That He knows your first marriage was awful and He gave you His best --the spouse you have now-- for this time of your life?"

"Maybe, I never thought of it like that."

"Is it possible that the reason you're afraid of dying is because you have this anger against your first husband and you know because you are so involved in your church, that God can't fully forgive you until you let go of that anger and unforgivness?"

She is quiet for a long time.  "I need to work on letting go of that anger.  I need to work on forgiving him."

"Well, I think that unforgiveness doesn't hurt the person we don't forgive.  Unforgivness hurts us.  We carry it with us and it's a weight, a burden that brings us down."

"I need to work on this."  She says, "I've never realized I was holding onto this."

We talk a few more minutes and we pray together.  I thank her for allowing me to visit and walk out with her daughter who has reappeared.  I share with her that her mom is working on forgiving her dad.  The daughter is surprised at that. "I thought she'd done that years ago" she comments.  I give her my card and drive away.

I call the SW saying, "Once she has worked through her anger and forgiven him, I think she'll be okay and die in peace."  Later the patients RN calls to tell me the patient is working on forgiving and thanks me for working miracles. 

Today, I got the word, she had died.  I guess her work was done.

Father, I know I didn't work any miracles in this women's life but I also know that You allowed me to be a vessel pouring out Your love and grace to her.  Thank you for giving me the words to say that opened Your child's heart to the thoughts of forgiveness.  Remind me always to keep short accounts with the people who come into my life and with you!  Let me not hold onto my anger and ask for and receive forgiveness quickly.  Amen.